Friendship (Drama) in Middle School Years

In middle school, tweens start to have more freedom and less adult supervision, which gives them a much larger pool of potential friends. Until now, their friendships were mostly based on proximity (kids who live in the same neighbourhood tend to become friends) or on their parents' preferences for other parents in their class. With the start of middle school, tweens begin choosing their own friends, and frankly, we don't have much say in it. Around this time, we also see an increase in herd mentality and a strong need to belong to a group. This is when social standing among friends starts to matter.

However, this is also the time of puberty. The pace of change during puberty varies so much from one child to another that your tween's best friend may suddenly be interested in boys while your child is still playing with dolls and collecting stationery. As a result, tweens can drop friendships in a heartbeat, and your child might find themselves on either side of that. A longitudinal study of middle schoolers published in Psychological Science found that only 1% of friendships formed in 7th grade were still intact by 12th grade. In short, friendship drama during the middle school years is inevitable, and you will hear a lot about it from your tween.

Madeline Levine suggests that "the social culture of teens is largely organized by two structures: Crowds and Cliques." Crowds are large, broad groups of teens and tweens (such as the preppy kids, the "brainy" kids or the kids who use drugs), and the kids within them aren't necessarily close friends. Levine notes that "crowds are generally rigidly set and usually, emotionally healthy kids do not seek out troubled kids." Cliques, on the other hand, are smaller groups of five or six kids with similar interests. They are very common among middle school girls. These kids are good friends; nevertheless, they move from one clique to another fairly quickly. It is precisely this constant movement between cliques that fills the middle school years with friendship drama, especially for tween girls.

How can we support our kids through these tumultuous times?

As mentioned above, social standing among friends becomes important during these years, so trying to convince tweens not to care simply won't work. Instead, it is important to acknowledge their natural desire for popularity while still emphasising the importance of being a good person and a good friend. It is our job to keep our tweens and teens on track, set limits and boundaries, communicate our values and offer perspective. In an age of never-ending connectedness through social media, the "fear of missing out" can be a real problem. To help our kids, we can encourage them to stay busy with activities they enjoy rather than obsessing over their friends' lives.

We should also help them cultivate good friendships: friends who make them feel good about themselves rather than bringing them down. This is a two-way street, because our children need to be that kind of friend too. That said, being a good friend doesn't mean being friends with everyone. As psychologist Lisa Damour points out your child is free to choose her friends, as long as she isn't mean to anyone. It's also important to tell our girls that in a clique of five or six, it isn't possible to like every girl equally or be equally close to each one. Your tween should know that this is okay, but that it's never an excuse for meanness. Part of growing up is learning to get along with people you don't feel especially close to.

During middle school, tweens experiment with their social power. Combine this with empathy skills that are still developing, and we may end up seeing some serious meanness. Psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore cited in Phyllis Fagells’ “Middle School Matters” suggests tackling this with a three-step process. (1) Avoid shaming your child. Instead, aim for healthy guilt, the sense that the behaviour was wrong rather than that they are bad, and offer a generous interpretation of what happened, such as "I know you were trying to make a point…" (2) Then help them find empathy: "…but how do you think your friend felt when you said those words?" (3) Once you've achieved that, you can work on accountability and how to make things right with their friend. Empathy is the most important part of this process, because a forced apology is not a real apology.

When your tween is on the receiving end of meanness, whether by being excluded from a group or by a friend who consistently makes them feel bad about themselves, your job is to be a steady presence and offer perspective. Check your own feelings, stay as calm and empathetic as you can, and listen carefully. As always, once they've finished talking, you can ask, "Do you need my help, or do you just want to vent?" Let their answer guide you.

Sources:

Fagell, P. L. (2019). Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond — and How Parents Can Help. New York: Da Capo Lifelong Books.

Hartl, A. C., Laursen, B., & Cillessen, A. H. N. (2015). A survival analysis of adolescent friendships: The downside of dissimilarity. Psychological Science, 26(8), 1304–1315.

Levine, M. (2012). Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success. New York: HarperCollins.

Damour L., (2025). Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through The Seven Transitions into Adulthood. New York, Ballantine Books