Teen and Tween Moodiness and How to Deal with it At Home

The teenage years have a seriously bad reputation, and most of that reputation comes (understandably) from moodiness. No parent finds it easy to go from the fairly stable latency period of middle childhood (roughly 6–12 years of age) to dealing with a teen or tween who has several mood swings a day. Even parents who are child psychologists, and who literally know what is coming their way, find it difficult to manage when it happens — myself included. However, there are a few things we need to know about teen moodiness in order to manage it as effectively as possible.

First of all, a mood is by definition a temporary state of mind, so it is expected to shift. Our own moods shift and swing as well. But in the tween and teen years, mood swings are more sudden, more unexpected and stronger. Research backs this up. When Reed Larson and Maryse Richards gave pagers to adolescents and their parents and asked both to record their moods at random moments over the same days, the teenagers reported more extreme emotions, and more frequent swings, than their parents did. Neuroscience tells us why: the brain's emotional centres, such as the amygdala, mature ahead of the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for behavioural control. This explains why our teens tend to be more reactive to negative emotional information and less able to control their reactions and powerful emotions. On top of this, with puberty, testosterone and oestrogen begin to bathe the body, including the brain, in highs and lows. These hormonal highs and lows cause sudden, dramatic shifts in mood. All of this is an expected part of puberty and adolescence — in fact, mood swings can be seen as a hallmark of healthy teenage emotional development.

The second thing we all need to keep in mind is that we are not the only ones who find mood swings annoying and difficult. Teens and tweens do not like being at the mercy of their hormones, and they don't enjoy these mood swings either. The good news is that it does not last forever. Lisa Damour, in The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, states that emotional intensity peaks at around thirteen or fourteen and then begins to subside. And as Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett write in This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained: "As kids make their way through puberty, mood swings usually improve, partly because the hormonal peaks and valleys level off, and partly because the brain gets accustomed to managing their shifting levels."

What to do?

Now that we know they don't enjoy their moodiness, we should offer them reassurance, grace and comfort rather than judgement or ridicule. Calling our daughter a drama queen (even when she is not in the room with us) is simply unfair to her. Teens will outgrow these behaviours, but labels tend to stick and become part of their self-talk. So showing grace, and explaining to them that these swings are a natural part of emotional development, is very important. Then, instead of engaging and escalating, we should show them some empathy. A simple "That must be hard" or "That sucks" is more than enough. This, of course, is easier said than done. But take a deep breath and give it a try.

That said, under no circumstances should we tolerate disrespect. When they are in a foul mood and lash out at us, we tend to say, "You can't talk to me like that!" When you think about it, this is a fairly useless thing to say, as they already have. We cannot control their words or reactions, but we can control ours, and the best way to deal with disrespect or meanness is not to engage. A better line would be: "You seem pretty upset. It's best we take a break and talk when we're both calm." Or: "You seem pretty upset, but I can't accept disrespect, so let's take a break and talk later, once you've calmed down." And then leave the room. Don't send them to their room — you leave the room. You can control your reactions, so do it. Almost always, your teen will immediately feel bad about their disrespectful words, even if they don't show it.

What doesn't work? Telling them to calm down, to stop crying, that what's bothering them is not a big deal, or that they won't even remember it the next day. These only make the situation worse, so avoid them.

There is no perfect solution, and no pill that makes mood swings disappear. They are a healthy and expected, if painful, part of emotional development. Keep reminding yourself of this, and that they won't last forever. These strategies will help you navigate this tumultuous period with as much grace as possible, keeping your relationship and connection with your teen strong. In the meantime, if you notice that your teen's mood has been persistently low or flat for two consecutive weeks, contact your GP or paediatrician as soon as possible.

Sources

Damour, L. (2023). The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents. Ballantine Books.

Larson, R. W., & Richards, M. H. (1994). Divergent Realities: The Emotional Lives of Mothers, Fathers, and Adolescents. Basic Books.

Natterson, C., & Kroll Bennett, V. (2023). This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained. Rodale Books.