Bullying Part III: What To Do If YOur Child Is Being Bullied..
- Zeynep Okur Guner, PhD
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
One of the worst things we can imagine has happened: our child has told us that they are being bullied at school. Now what? Our first instinct may be to go straight to the school, speak to the principal, and demand the toughest consequences for the children involved. However, just because we are naturally driven to protect our children does not always mean that our first instinct is the best course of action.
First of all, we need to set aside our own feelings about our child’s struggles. This isn’t about us; it’s about them. As I discussed in previous articles, we first need to make sure that what our child is experiencing is not simply a conflict but bullying. Pay close attention to the presence of a power imbalance. Once you are confident that this is bullying and not a conflict, do not leave your child to handle it alone. At the same time, avoid overstepping, as this can sometimes make the situation worse for your child.
Conventional advice often focuses on the bully and on what schools and parents can do to stop the bullying. This can be somewhat successful, but not always. Our focus should also be on helping our child develop the confidence and skills to respond effectively where possible, while recognising that some situations require active intervention from adults and the school. There is a delicate balance between these two approaches, and it is not always easy to achieve. Let’s look at what this might look like in practice.
Listen them calmly
Try to remain as calm as possible and listen without interrupting. Once they have finished talking, ask questions to gather more information, such as:
“Has this happened before?”
“What have you tried so far?”
“How did you respond?”
The goal at this stage is to understand, not to solve the problem immediately.
2. Retell What You Have Heard
This is a critical part of the process. Reflect back what you have heard to ensure that you have understood your child correctly. This not only helps clarify details but also shows your child that you are truly listening. Finish by acknowledging how difficult the experience has been for them and expressing empathy for what they are going through.
3. Involve Them In The Solution
Ask your child how they would like to deal with the situation. Resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or take over. Instead, invite them to brainstorm ideas with you.
This is the first step towards empowerment. It sends an important message: they are not hopeless or helpless. They have a voice and a role in deciding how to respond to the situation.
4. Help Build Their Confidence
This is where empowerment becomes practical. Talk through possible scenarios and help your child prepare responses. Role-playing can be particularly effective. Teaching skills such as confident voice tone, assertive body posture, eye contact, and facial expressions can help children communicate strength and confidence. While these strategies may not stop every bully, they can help children feel more capable and prepared.
5. Provide Emotional Support at Home
If your child is experiencing hardship at school, make home a place of safety, calm, and connection.
Reduce unnecessary demands or activities if needed, and create opportunities for positive family experiences. Simple activities such as movie nights, family meals, board games, or walks in the park can help your child feel supported and connected during a difficult time.
6. Encourage Activities Outside School
Encourage your child to take up a hobby, sport, club, or activity outside of school. This creates opportunities to build new friendships and develop confidence in different environments.
When children have multiple friendship groups, they are less dependent on any one social circle. If one group becomes difficult, they have other sources of support and belonging.
7. Monitor Their Wellbeing
Pay close attention to your child’s mood, sleep, eating habits, and general behaviour. These can provide valuable clues about how well they are coping.
If you notice significant changes in mood, persistent sadness, withdrawal, changes in appetite, sleep difficulties, or other concerning behaviours that continue for more than two weeks, consider speaking with your GP or a mental health professional.
8. Intervene with the School When Necessary
If the situation is escalating, involves repeated mistreatment, physical harm, threats, or is having a significant impact on your child’s wellbeing, it is time to involve the school.
Before contacting the school, tell your child what you plan to do. They may not agree with the decision, but they should not be surprised by it. Being transparent helps maintain trust and reinforces that you are working with them rather than acting behind their back.
Ultimately, there may come a point when involving the school is necessary, regardless of your child’s wishes. However, keeping them informed throughout the process helps them feel respected and included.
Seeing our child in emotional pain is never easy. During these moments, they need our calmness, support, and guidance more than ever. While it is natural to feel upset, frightened, or angry, our ability to remain steady can help our child feel safe and supported as they navigate this challenge.
In the next article, I will discuss what parents can do if it turns out that their child is the one bullying someone else.
If you wish to read further on this subject;
Payne K. J., (2022), “Emotionally Resilient Tweens and Teens”, Shamabala, Colorado
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