Healthy Versus Toxic Expectations

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”

Japanese proverb

Research has been clear since the early 60’s: high parental expectations on academics lead to higher achievement. We need to hold our children up to high standards, whether in academics or moral values… Furthermore kids, especially teenagers, should be busy enough so they do not get bored and start getting into trouble. When we set high standards our children perform well. Then, the pressing question is: Where does the line between healthy, high expectation and toxic, high expectation lie? This is a topic that every parent, from the least to the most ambitious, stumbles upon: “Am I pushing my kid too hard?” or “Am I not pushing my kid hard enough?”

Studies indicate that the best environment for academic achievement requires high challenge and low threat. “This means that kids learn and perform best when they feel challenged (not bored), and when parents and teachers express confidence in their abilities - but when it’s safe to make mistakes, not to understand at first, or to struggle a bit”, state William Stixrud and Ned Johnson. It is about communicating confidence without pressuring our children with rigid requirements for performance, grades and accolades.

When parents exert excessive, toxic pressure and academic expectations that are rigidly defined, results may turn out to be unpleasant. First, excessive pressure may lead to worse performance as human brain needs to feel safe to perform at a higher cognitive level. Second, it may lead to cheating and lying. It is quite common when a child is expected to perform consistently at a very high academic level, they turn towards cheating to ensure high grades. I have heard parents telling their children that they are expected to get 90% and above at any test or quiz that they will take for the duration of their senior school education. Talk about pressure! I can guarantee you, there will come a time where that child will cheat at an exam. Finally, kids whose parents exert excessive academic expectations are at significantly higher risk for mental health conditions such as clinical levels of anxiety and depression, obsessive compulsive disorder in adolescence and young adulthood.

In short, it is not the high expectation that is problematic, it is how we communicate our expectations. When we define achivement in very strict and rigid ways (any grade less than a certain level is not accepted) or when bribe our kids for their academic achivement, we inadvertently tell them that our love for them is conditional upon their achivement. That is what Stixrud and Johnson would call high challenge and high threat.

Stixrud and Johnson suggest that “ the best way to ensure the healthy kind of expectations is to encourage kids to set their own expectations of themselves -without being burdened by crippling perfectionism, fear of failure and fear of disappointing other people.” Having an open conversation about goals, asking them questions about their aspirations in general and specific to the academic year they are in, can be a good start. Most likely, they also want to increase their grades and do better at school and sports etc. I always repeat this: we should always start from a positive space with our children and believe that they want their life to work out. Therefore, it is better if they decide, set and announce their goals. We, on the other hand, need to be there as a safeguard and a consultant and make sure their goal is a SMART one. SMART is an acronym created by Stixrud and Johnson.

The goal should be

S - specific

M - measurable

A - attainable

R - realistic

T - time bound.

“I will be the best student in maths” is inherently different than “I will study maths every night for 30 minutes to do better on my next exam.” The second one is a specific goal. It is also measurable, attainable and realistic (as opposed to aiming to work 3 hours of math every night after their daily lacrosse practice) and time bound. Setting SMART goals helps our kids to develop self-esteem and self-efficacy as they continue to work towards their goal and eventually achieve their goal. While they are doing the hard work, your job is to be encouraging and supportive and when things get hot, not to forget to remind them the bigger picture: “You are bigger and better than your grades.” In the end, their academic life, grades, scores and accolades, however meaningful and important they may be, are just one part of their lives and their value does not solely rely on that. They should know that!

“Maybe what we should be telling kids is not that grades don’t matter… but that they are not the only thing that matters. Teaching them otherwise is a huge injustice to them.”

Michele Borba, from her book “Thrivers”

If you wish to read further on this topic;

Stixrud W., Johnson N., (2021), “What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance and a Happy Home”, Penguin Life, NY

Stixrud W., Johnson N., (2018), “The Thriving Child: The Science Behind Reducing Stress and Nurturing Independence”, Penguin Life, NY