“How Was Your Day?” How To Help Your Teenager To Open Up About Themselves

Once our little kids become tweens and teenagers, long gone are the days where they recount every second of their school day from the moment we pick them up till the moment the lights are out. Generally speaking, tweens and teenagers’ generic answer to ‘how was your school?’ is ‘fine’. Nothing else! So, I thought my first newsletter in the new academic year should be about how we can get our tweens and teenagers to talk about their school days. There are a few things we should consider.

First, most teenagers need time to transition from school to home. School is where they need to be on guard at all times, follow rules and daily schedule and so to transition from that to home and family life takes time. Therefore, instead of starting with “How was your day?”, it would be helpful to say something like “So nice to see you. I hope you had a nice day at school.” Leave it there, no pressure.

It can also help them relax if we casually talk about our day, especially if something interesting happened. Teenagers do not like to be scolded, or pressured. So being casual and not putting extra pressure on them to share their day, relaxes their defenses. Another useful tip would be to match your intensity with your kid’s. If your kid is down and tired, you being exuberant, chatty and energetic will rub them on the wrong place. Therefore, we should be mindful about their mood.

Teenagers’ sleep cycle is quite different than adults and younger children. When you are ready to switch off the lights or you’ve already been sleeping in front of the TV, they are usually in their chattiest self! Do not miss those chances… Go and prep yourself a cup of tea, try to keep your eyes open and listen.

For difficult subjects, on the other hand, any occasion where you and your child do not have to have eye contact creates a great opportunity: driving, taking a long walk in the park, etc… Not making eye contact actually promotes honest discussion, especially if the subject is a difficult one.

Words for Neuro-Divergent Kids

Making connections with children who are on the spectrum can be trickier but all the more essential. Connecting with neuro-divergent kids requires creativity from our side as traditional methods may not work. Your child may find it difficult to have physical contact, or share their emotions with you. Then, you should make an effort to show interest in their hobbies or what they like to do in their free time. Playing their favourite video game with them, or watching silly dog videos on Youtube may not be to your liking, but showing interest in what they like to spend time on, would signal to them that there is nothing wrong with them and that they can connect with you.

If you would like to further read on this topic;

D’Amour L., (2023), The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capapble and Compassionate Adolescents, Penguin Random House, NY

Stixrud W., Johnson N., (2021), What Do You Say? How To Talk With Kids To Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance And A Happy Home, Penguin Random House, NY