Making Home A Safe Space For High Achieving Children

There is a cross section of children who are considered ‘at-risk’ for developing mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, subtance use diorder, self harm and suicide ideation. These groups include inner-city kids, kids living in foster care, kids of recent immigrants and kids with incarcerated parents. In 2019, National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine added a new group of children to their ‘at risk’ people for developing mental health conditions: HAS children- children who attend ‘High Achieving Schools’. High achieving schools are schools which provide a variety of courses and advance courses along with rich extra-curricular activities and consistently score 75% and higher on standardised tests. In addition, a report published by Robert Wood Johnson foundation suggests that the top 4 environments that jeopardise adolescent mental health are: Exposure to (1) poverty, (2) trauma, (3) discrimination and (4) excessive pressure of achievement.

Studies show that HAS children are two to four times more likely to develop clinical levels of anxiety, depression, self harm and substance use disorder compared to their counterparts who go to average schools. Research supports these findings as increasing numbers of teenagers who are in high achieving schools report ‘being in loose ends’, ‘missing something inside’ and ‘feeling unhappy for no reason’. They tend to engage in self harming behaviours like cutting themselves, developing eating disorders, using illegal substances to ease the stress and engage in blackout drinking to be able to enjoy themselves and relax. At the same time, though, historical markers of adolescent mental health problems such as failing grades, withdrawal and acting out are missing in the picture. Minus these usual suspects, parents may not be aware of their children’s suffering. On paper, these kids are high achieving, successful teenagers who are acing their exams, whilst excelling in several highly demanding extra-curricular activities.

Research suggests that the excessive pressure to achieve/excel is at the core of these problems. Our children, not only have to perform at a top level academically, but they also have to excel in their extra curricular activities. Activities like playing a sport or an instrument, now, are no longer recreational activities - where our kids can blow some steam off, as a hobby- but they are tied to performance and achievement through championships and grade exams. Studies indicate that these extra-curricular activities have become another source of competition and stress. This makes our children terribly over-worked, busy and stresssed out.

Where does this pressure come from? Is it the schools, parents or sports coaches? When the late Suniya Luthar, professor of Child Development and world’s leading expert in resilience, was asked where this pressure on children come from, she famously answered “Where does it not come from?” Parents (myself included) want their children to have the level of education and opportunities they themselves had; teachers and coaches want kids to excel in what they do; peers are in constant comparison with each other; and finally we all are constantly being bombarded with news stating that university and college application system has become more and more Draconian and the admission rates of prestigious colleges are ever slimming. In short, neither we, parents, nor high achieving schools are to blame. This is the cultural norm.

We cannot change the times we live in. However, we need to know what we can do at home to protect our children’s mental health against the pressure of today’s high achievement culture: we must ‘make our homes a safe base’ for our children to come back to rest, recover and be ready to tackle the world again the next day. Especially, “for kids in high achieving communities who absorb pressure all day, home needs to be a warm place to recover” says Jennifer Breheny Wallace. There are a few things we can do to achieve that.

First, we need to reconsider ‘can, therefore must’ attitude with our children. Just because they can add one more extra-curricular activity, another advance placement or GCSE course into their already jam-packed schedule -simply because everybody does it- does not mean they should! We -parents- MUST drop this attitude and help our kids to stop with it as well.

Second, as leaders of our home, we need to carve out some time for our children to rest and recharge, whether in the form of sleep; doing something enjoyable like watching an episode of their favorite series; or any activity that’s not tied to performance such as a good old hobby. Without rest, and sleep hard work does not pay itself. Our brain and body need a proper rest to perform well. We need to prioritise this and make sure that our children rest and get enough sleep on a daily basis.

In line with these suggestions, we need to be vigilant about our children’s weekly schedule, and be watchful if they become too stressed, stretched, burned out, anxious or very unhappy. A ‘work hard, play hard’ mindset needs to be recalibrated. And, if need be, we should simply suggest our children to take a break from an activity or drop the work load down a notch.

Finally, we need to make sure that we enjoy our children for who they are and not for their academic or extracurricular accolades. Just for being themselves! We love and cherish our children unconditionally, but in times we live, where academic stakes and expectations are so high, they may not always receive this message. Therefore, letting our children know that they are bigger and better than their grades/achievements/accolades is very important for their mental health. This simply requires us to actively tell them that their value as a person is not equal to their academic achievement.

None of these suggestions should mean that our kids will have a free pass for not studying, or not caring about academics. As parents, it is our job to set acceptable and realistic expectations along with healthy limits and boundaries. Research consistently suggests that high parental expectations promote achievement and competency in children. “It is when a parent’s love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems” states Dr Madeline Levine. And, in today’s culture, when we catastrophise any grade below A, or we are dissappointed because their team lost a championship; or we bribe them with gifts for achieving high exam scores, we inadvertantly send our kids a message that our love is conditional upon their successes.

Mistakes, failures, bad grades, failed exams are an inevitable part of life and when they happen we need to be ‘curious rather than furious’. Easier said than done, I know. As a mother whose daughter attends a high achieving school, I wish my daughter could get straight A’s in all her exams, but I have to remind myself that this is not a reasonable expectation. Plus, failures and mistakes can be a great opportunity for them to learn from and bounce back.

Whether your child attends a high achieving school or not, home should ALWAYS be a safe space (both emotionally and physically) for each and every child. A little effort can go a long way in achieving this. In my next newsletter, I will continue to discuss how we can deal with our children’s failures or mistakes in a way that we can set a high expectation and hold a limit, whilst we keep our home and relationship a safe space for them. I will talk about some practical examples to show you how this works in pactice and therefore you have a sort of manual to follow, when need be.

If you wish to read further on this topic;

National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, (2019), “Vibrant and Healthy Kids: Aligning Science, Practice and Policy to Advance Health Equity”, The National Academies Press, Washington DC

Geisz M., B., Nakashian M., (2018), “Adolescent Wellness: Current Perspective and Future Opportunities in Research, Policy and Practice ” Robert Wood Johnson

Breheny Wallace J., (2023), “Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic and What We Can do About It”, Penguin Random House, NY

Stixrud W., Johnson N., (2021), “What To Say? How To Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home”, Viking, NY

Full PreFrontal: Exposing The Mysteries of Executive Function, Episode 90: Professor Suniya Luthar, “When Having It All Doesn’t Translate Into Having It Easy”, 07/10/2019, Spotify

Levine M., (2006), “The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating A Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids”, Harper Collins, NY