Learning A New Language: How to Speak With A Teenager Effectively
- Zeynep Okur Guner, PhD
- 7 hours ago
- 6 min read
“Adolescence is the training ground for adulthood” states Dr Madeline Levine. Throughout adolescence, our teenagers have three main endeavors:
-To develop an adult body
-To develop an adult brain
-To develop an adult sense of self and identity.
Whilst our teenagers will be busy of doing all of these at the same time, our job as parents is to support them. However, developing an adult sense of self and identity involves a process called separation and individuation. Teenagers need to separate themselves from us and create their own sense of identity - one that, supposedly, has nothing to do with ours. It is this separation and individuation process that makes adolescence more difficult for us parents, because we can experience it as a loss of connection and warmth with our children. From closed bedroom doors to dialogues reduced to single-word sentences…. Tina Fey has compared this period to having an office crush who is not interested in you. I think it is a brilliant characterisation!
No matter how much separation and individuation takes place during this period, research consistently shows that what keeps teenagers safe and support their development is a close connection and relationship with a loving, trusting adult. So, it is our job to maintain a warm, connected relationship with our teenagers whilst they are forming their identities.
Why is this so vital? Because parents are their children’s best bet when it comes to safety and development. Over the years, we will need to have hundreads of mini conversations with them about drugs and alcohol, vaping, porn, body image, sex, social media and so on. These conversations become easier if we keep our relationship with them intact. And if we want our message to land effectively, we need to learn a new language - a new way of communicating.
Let’s look at the specifics of this language.
-Try Not To Catch Your Teenager Off-Guard: Teens and tweens do not like to be cornered. If you want to talk about something specific, let them know beforehand. For example, you might say something like:
“Hey, I saw an article in the newspaper about vaping. You are not in trouble at all. I just want to talk to you about what I read. When would be a good time?”
This will feel like an invitation to a peaceful and respectful conversation.
-Observe and describe: Once you and your teen agree on a time, begin the conversation with neutral statements. If you want to talk about what you’ve observed in their life - such as not getting enough sleep - start by describing what you have noticed. If you want to talk about a general issue like vaping, begin with what prompted the conversation. For example;
“Hey, I have realised that you are going to bed later than usual these days.”
“I read an article in the newspaper and learned that in the UK about 20% of teenagers between the ages of 11 and 17 try vaping at least once.”
These kinds of openers are neutral enough so they don’t make your teen feel like they are in the hot seat.
-Be curious, if necessary play ‘dumb’: Then ask for their opinion:
“Do you feel like the amount of sleep you get each night is enough? Do you wake up feeling rested?”
“What do you think? Based on your social circle, and what you see among your friends, does that sound accurate?”
Always ask questions and listen to their answers as calmly as possible. You are not fishing for wrong answers here. You are learning about their experiences, gathering information. When teens know they aren’t in trouble - and that you are simply curious rather than judgemental - they tend to be more forthcoming.
-Grow a “Botox Brow”: This is a wonderful term coined by Michelle Icard. Research conducted by Dr Yurgelun-Todd at Harvard University studied teenagers’ ability read people’s emotions using MRI scans. Adults and teenagers were shown photographs of faces and asked to identify the emotions. Whilst adults identified the correct emotions nearly all the time, teenagers were correct only about 50% of the time. Brain scans showed that adults relied primarily on the pre-frontal cortex to identify emotions, while teenagers relied more on amygdala as their pre-frontal cortex is still developing.
This means teenagers often make assumptions about other people’s emotions and they tend to assume the worst - even from a small movement of the brow. That’s why sometimes our teen thinks we are upset with what they are telling us when we are not upset at all. So when the conversation involves an emotionally charged topic, it is important that we try to appear as neutral as possible. Icard suggests, “Pretend you are a celebrity on a late-night talk show who has been so overly Botoxed you can’t move your forehead at all. You will feel like a robot. A Stepford Parent. If you do, you are doing it right. If you feel like a deer in the headlights, you are doing it wrong. You want to look emotionless, not shocked.” So, off to the mirror to practise your “botox brow”.
-Be factual: Now the time has come to share your opinions, experience, and knowledge. Be factual! Use your newly developed ‘Botox Brow’ and convey information in a factual, emotionless manner. This is important for two reasons.
First, teenagers love facts - research based facts even more. They are practising their newly developing abstract thinking skills, including scepticisim. So, don’t be surprised or offended if they challenge your argument or question your sources. This is developmentally appropriate behaviour. Try not to take it personally. Instead recognise that your teen is developing important skills and that you are providing a safe place for them to practise. When you share facts, cite research, or mention studies you have read, they are more likely to take you seriously and trust that you are not simply trying to manipulate them.
Second, factual information - rather than scaring tactics - gives them better arguments when peers try to pressure them into risky behaviour. Let’s say you want to talk about marijuana use. Even though you may feel like shouting (I certainly do feel like it), “If you try marijuana even once your life will be over!”, a better approach would be:
“Drugs, including marihuana, are designed to make you want more. That’s why it’s safest not to try them at all! You may hear friends say that their parents smoked marijuana when they were young and turned out fine, so they believe it is safe. But, the marijuana available today is not the same as it was decades ago. The active ingredient (THC) is much higher (at least 6 times) now, which makes it more potent, therefore more harmful and addictive.”
Keep it short, clear, and to the point. Don’t worry about sharing everything at once. Experts say there is no single ‘the talk’, but there are hundreads of mini-talks that happen over the years.
-Convey clear and consistent expectations: If you are talking about serious issues such as drugs, alcohol, vaping or sex, you need to set your expectations clearly. Tweens and teens often say that phrases like “be sensible” are not clear enough. They report feeling confused:
“Does that mean I shouldn’t drink at all? Or is it okay to have one drink but not get drunk?”
Be specific. Say it clearly:
“We expect you to stay away from illicit drugs.”
“We expects you not to smoke cigarettes or vape!”
Make sure you explain the reasons behind your expectations in a factual way, as “Because I said so!” rarely works with teens. Parents sometimes worry that setting clear expectations about alcohol or drugs will push teenagers to do the opposite just to assert their independence. Research suggests the opposite. If you have a working relationship with your teen and set clear expectations based on science and facts, teenagers are more likely to respect those limits. Jessica Lahey compares this to driving on a motorway. If there were no clear speed limits, you might be tempted to drive as fast as you like. When there is a speed limit, even if people go a bit faster, they usually do not exceed it by much. Our expectations work in a similar way with our teenagers.
Although, it takes time to master these skills and there will be lots of mistakes along the road, if we incorporate these skills into our repertoire, we can see that our messages land effectively while we keep our warm relationship with our teens. In the end, that’s all that matters!
If you want to read further resources on this topic:
Levine M., (2012), “Teach Your Children Well: Parenting For Authetic Success”, Harper Collins, NY
Neufeld G., Mate G., (2024), “Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers”, Penguin Random House, London
Icard M., (2021), “Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Converstaions You Need to Have With Your Kids Before They Start High School”, Harmony Books, NY
Deborah Yurgelun-Todd Interview
Lahey J., (2021), “The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids In A Culture of Dependence”, Harper, NY
Tina Fey on Raising Teenagers:
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