Supporting Our Children In Overcoming Perfectionism (Part II)
- Zeynep Okur Guner, PhD
- 7 hours ago
- 4 min read
In my previous newsletter, I discussed about perfectionism, how it develops and what are the consequences on our children. This week, I want to discuss practical ways we help our kids dealing with perfectionism.
Before discussing what helps, it is important to start with what does not help. Any parent who lives with a little perfectionist knows that saying things like ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself!”; “Ease up a little !” does not work. These comments often make them feel misunderstood, especially within today’s hyper-competitive education landscape. Trying to convince them to “relax” is rarely effective.
The first step is to check ourselves and ensure that our message is not lost in delivery. Perfectionist kids have nothing but examplary work ethic and they impress us with what they produce as homework assignments or exam scores. However, I believe we need to be careful when we praise them for what they produced. If the chemistry project your daughter has worked for the past week is already a great project, you should not praise your child for going back and making tweaks on it, so it becomes ‘perfect’. So, be mindful about your praise!
Furthermore, if we find ourselves being overly self-critical about our failures or mistakes, this is a good time to change how we talk about them. We should be gentle with ourselves and lead by example. Casual conversations over dinner, or during car rides about our mistakes, bad grades, or less-than ideal report cards - and how we bounced back - can remind our children that it is okay to mess up sometimes. When we lead by example, it will also becomes easier to intervene when our kid start being overly critical of themselves and engage in negative self talk. There are different tactics we can adopt when our children engage in negative self talk. One is to stop them by telling them “I don’t let anyone talk about you the way you talk about yourself at the moment and that includes you.” Another option would be to listen to them making generalization about their failures and asking questions to negate these remarks. Simply helping them understand that their remarks may not be factual and that there could be other factors such as the test being extremely difficult. There is no straightforward way of choosing which strategy at that moment. So you will have to make a decision. Sometimes it will work and sometimes won’t. However, in any case, it is imperative to cut them short when they make unkind and overly critical remarks about themselves.
Teenagers tend to take us more seriously when we speak in a factual manner. The internet is full of videos of extremely succesful people in science, sports, music and entrepreunership who openly discuss their failures and setbacks. Even at the top of their fields, perfection remains unattainable. There are links to some of those videos at the end of this newsletter, but you can find examples in areas your children are drawn to and allow the message to be delivered by those role models.
The study methods of perfectionists are not sustainable during the high school years. Ana Homayoun suggests that one of the most critical skills of highly successful students is the ability to plan, schedule and prioritize. These are higher-level executive functioning skills that develop throughout adolescence, particularly in the early stages (up to around age 20). Parents of middle schoolers should therefore focus on supporting the development of these skills by showing them how to plan a study schedule, create to-do lists, follow through on them.
Among these essential executive functioning skills, prioritizing is often the thoughest sell for a perfectionist. They dislike the idea because they want to be perfect at everything. Dr D’Amour suggests reframing this concept as “being a tactician.” She recommends starting conversations by acknowledging and admiring a child’s strong work ethic and the success it has brought them. Then add, “Since you already have an excellent work ethic, now we need you to think about how you can improve it by being more strategic and tactful with your studies.” Words like tactician, strategic and clever are particularly helpful.
For example, you daughter insists that she needs to get A in both history and biology. First, you and your daughter should check her scores. If her biology tests and homework are consistently A-level, but history is weaker, it may make sense to scale back preparation for the biology exam - even earning a C might still secure an A overall - while reallocating time to history. This strategic shift can increase her chances of achieving As in both subjects. This is what it means to be a tactician. In today’s over-competitive education landscape, this approach is often the only way to achieve strong academic results in high school without sacrificing mental health. You are not asking her to lower her standards: you are still supporting her drive for excellence, but you are setting a healthier expectation - one that fosters both academic success and well-being.
These are all practical and effective strategies we can use when living with young perfectionists. However, if you feel that your child is still stuck on perfectionism; the pressure feels overwhelming and your child shows signs of toxic stress, anxiety or other concerning symptoms, it is important to seek professional help. Perfectionism can lead to serious mental health challenges, and early support can make a significant difference.
Inspirational Video for Our Children:
Roger Federer on Tennis and Perfection
John Gurdon on Science
Thomas Lindahl on Chemistry
If you wish to read further on this subject:
Homayoun A., (2023), “Erasing The Finish Line: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond College Grades and College Admission”, Hachette, NY
Stixrud W., Johnson N., (2021), “What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance and a Happy Home”, Penguin Life, NY
D’Amour L., (2019), “Under Pressure: Confronting The Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls”, Random House, NY