Perfectionism In Girls (and Boys)

“Perfectionism is broadly defined as a combination of excessively high personal standards and overly self critical evaluations” state Curran and Hill (2019). Perfectionism in adolescence has risen dramatically since the 1980’s. A recent UK study suggested that 85.4% of UK teenagers show perfectionist tendencies and 52% of them felt their perfectionist tendencies had a negative impact on their mental health. Perfectionists are different from excellence seekers. The former strive for absolute perfection or near perfect results, seek to avoid negative judgement or appearing flawed, wheras the latter are more adaptable when things go wrong and focus on improvement and doing better. Stixrud and Johnson suggest that the formula behind perfectionism is “please, perform and perfect”. That’s why perfectionism is more common in adolescent girls than boys, as girls are often more motivated to please adults in their lives.

There is no single explanation of what causes perfectionism. In addition to parents acting as role models (overly self-critical parents or self-oriented perfectionist parents) and the messages we send to our kids from a very young age, there is also a genetic component. The messages we send can be very subtle or inadvertent, yet they can still lead to perfectionist tendencies in our children. For example, “overemphasizing a child’s accomplishments can also easily lead to a kid thinking that their accomplishments are more important than they are”, say Stixrud and Johnson.

Perfectionism can create a vicious cycle. A girl worries about school and her academic performance. She then starts studying excessively, over-preparing for every homework assignment, quiz and exam. Dr D’Amour suggests that her “slavish over-preparation” not only soothes her anxiety temporarily, but also produces excellent grades and pleases her parents. So, there is a three-fold reinforcement mechanism behind perfectionism. This may look like an effective system in the short term, but in the long run it creates serious problems.

First of all, perfectionism is a game of extremes. A perfectionist either needs to get a perfect or near perfect score every single time, or she sees herself as a total failure. There is no in-between. And as we all know, this is not a realistic expectation. No one can achieve perfect or near perfect results in every assessment throughout their academic life. However, for a perfectionist, getting straight 100s in all exams except one that falls into the high 80s or even low 90s can feel catastrophic. These unrealistic expectations create extra pressure and anxiety for our girls. Furthermore, negative self talk and being overly self-critical are severely damaging to mental health, often leading to low self-esteem and depression. Finally, this system can produce excellent academic outcomes during primary and middle school. However, high school is a different kind of beast. If a girl continues with ‘slavish over-preparation’, by the time she reaches high school (Year 10-11 and onwards) she is likely to be drowning in workload. To maintain academic scores, girls often cut back on sleep and consume large amounts of caffeine; which in turn worsens anxiety and depression.

For all these reasons, perfectionism is a high risk factor for clinical levels of anxiety and depression, and eating disoders (in fact perfectionism is one of the strongest predictors of eating disorders). As parents, we need to be mindful of this and if we see perfectionist tendencies in our girls (and boys) we should take action.

In my next newsletter, I will share practical ways we can support our children at home as they navigate perfectionist tendencies, and how we can gently help them move away from perfectionism toward a healthier, more realistic understanding of sucess and failure.

If you wish to read further on this topic:

Curran T., Hill P., (2019), “Perfectionism is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences from 1989 to 2016”, Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), pp 410-429

Stixrud W., Johnson N., (2021), “What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance and a Happy Home”, Penguin Life, NY

D’Amour L., (2019), “Under Pressure: Confronting The Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls”, Random House, NY