Limit Setting Whilst Holding Our Relationship With Our Children

“Ultimately then, our kids need us to set boundaries and communicate our expectations. But the key here is that all discipline should begin by nurturing our children and attuning to their internal world, allowing them to know that they are seen, heard and loved by their parents - even when they’ve done something wrong… When your child is at his worst, that’s when he needs you the most.”

Daniel Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson, No Drama Discipline

Headlines after headlines inform us that our children are the most anxious generation in history and that the number of clinical, sub-clinical levels of child and teenage anxiety is the highest in years and that there is an epidemic in youth mental health. Research shows that there is an increase in the number of children and teenagers who suffer from anxiety and depression, Covid-19 pandemic and lock downs seem to have exasperated the issue that was already on the rise.

What actually is being overlooked is that we (the parents) are also the most anxious generation of parents ever… Yes! We are… How come, though? We read parenting books, we listen to parenting podcasts… We might be the most knowledgeable generation of parents about parenting itself and yet we are still very much anxious about our parenting. Constantly questioning ourselves, treating our most miniscule decisions and choices as if they will determine the fate of our children.

I think one of many reasons behind it is that our generation of parents have too many choices when it comes to different styles of parenting. There are countless styles: intentional parenting, positive parenting, strick parenting, helicopter parenting, tiger parenting, snowplough parenting… So many to choose from… When there are too many options, anxiety is inevitable, because what if we choose the wrong style? How about streamlining all these (new) parenting styles and making our lives simpler?

Mother Of All Parenting Styles

In the 1960s Diana Baumrind identified three main styles of parenting (with an additional one expanded later by Maccoby and Martin) based on two criteria/dimensions: demandingness (limits, boundaries, rules) and responsiveness (warmth and being sensitive and responsive to the needs and cues of the child). More or less, all of the subsequent parenting styles that are available to us today derive from Diana Baumrind’s original classification.

Let’s start with the additional one: parents who are low on both demandingness and responsiveness are neglectful parents. These parents are mostly absent in their children’s lives and parental neglect is one of the worst kind of child abuse. If you are taking the time and reading this newsletter, or any other sources that is available, chances are, you do not belong to this group.

Aside from this, parents who provide lots of warmth and responsiveness but not many limits or boundaries are called permissive parents. Parents who provide lots of rules, limits and expectations but not much warmth or responsiveness are called authoritarian parents. Finally, those parents who are strong on both demands and warmth are called authoritative parents. These parents, provide lots of clear and consistent rules, set high expectations but they are also very much in tune with their children’s needs/ desires and they provide warmth.

Tons of studies have been conducted on the effects of each of these parenting styles and amongst all of them the best results come from authoritative parenting. Children with authoritative parents seem to be doing much better than their counterparts as they seem to have less health issues, better education and financial success as well as marital success. These parents hold their relationship with their children at the core of their parenting, whilst holding firm limits and high expectations for their children. This is the sweet spot of parenting. These parents intuitively know that having a strong bond with their children makes parenting easier by making their children more willing to follow their lead. Having strong relationships with their children help these parents feel more comfortable setting firm limits as they feel OK about their children not being happy with their decisions or limits and boundaries.

Empathy Is The Answer

A big part of being a parent is to accept that sometimes we need to be the bad guy! When our children ask for things that are against our values, or we believe it’s not for their best interest, we need to set a limit and say ‘no’. Our children rarely enjoy this and we need to be OK with it. We need to be OK with the fact that sometimes they will not like us, or they will be very angry and upset with us.

How Do We Ever Feel OK With This?

When parents have strong relationships and close bonds with their children, they trust that their relationships will storm the harsh weather and still be safe. That feeling of trust in their relationship makes this process slightly easier. Furthermore, these parents are aware of the helplessness of their children and show lots of empathy for it. If your daugther wants you to buy an expensive skin care item, but this is against your values and you refuse to buy the item, they do not have much option other than accept your limit. In these situations, we stick to our values, but at the same time if we see their frustration and disappointment and show them that we understand their predicament, it actually sends them the signal that we are still on their corner, on their side even though we deny them of something they really want. I believe that is key to the authoriative parenting: holding the relationship at the core of parenting whilst holding firm limits and boundaries.

When I do not let my daughter play video games on weekdays, or you do not buy an expensive pair of shoes for your son, they do not have much choice but to comply. This can be quite difficult especially when their close friends are enjoying these treats. It takes us a long way in the name of our relationship, when we recognise their helplesness and empathise with it. This does not mean we change our minds… We still hold our limits! Our ‘no’ is still a ‘no’, but we can show them that we understand how difficult it must be for them to accept our decision and live with it. Therefore, we simply say no to the behaviour but yes to the emotion, whether it is sadness or anger.

Limits and Rules Matter

Parenting without rules and limits make our children feel like they are constantly walking on bridges with no guard rails. They never feel safe. They look up to us for keeping them safe with rules and boundaries but there are none. So they feel unsafe and hence they are anxious all the time. Therefore, I cannot stress enough the importance of having rules, boundaries, expectations for our children.

Our limits and rules should be consistent, so our children feel confident about what they expect from us and know what we expect from them… If we are not consistent with our rules, our children are back on the bridge again. This time, though, there are some guard rails on the bridge, but they are weak and not efficient, so our kids don’t feel safe which leads to toxic anxiety again. Therefore, setting clear and consistent set of rules is very important for our children’s mental health.

Being Consistent but Flexible

Sometimes, we may tend to lean towards rigidity with our limits in the name of being consistent. Consistency comes from having a core set of values that dictate our day to day parenting. That means, we set our rules and limits based on well-defined values. They are not arbitrary, there is always a logic behind them, a logic that relies preferably on commonsense, but it does not necessarily mean that they are set in stone and that they can never be changed. The limits can be reviewed and changed when need be, but the values behind stay the same.

Rigidity, on the other hand, means sticking to a limit out of fear, such as not letting our young child come to our bed after a terribly scary dream, because we do not want this one incident to become a serial sleeping problem. We want to be consistent with our rules but we should also be flexible and adaptable with our limits in such a way that our children can always feel that they can come and speak to us when they think a certain rule needs to be amended. We need to be flexible enough to listen to our children’s pleas and take them into serious consideration whilst holding the right to say ‘no’. Flexibility does not mean we need to accept their pleas, it means we need to listen and consider their point of view and make an informed decision. Having a clear set of boundaries and limits with a flexible and empathetic attitude, I believe, is the best way to raise our children as this will always keep the lines of communication with our children open.

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows the flowers, not thunder.”

Rumi