Parent The Child We Have, Not The Child We Want

“Having a parent who listens, creates a child who believes he or she has a voice that matters in this world.”

Rachel Macy Stafford

“Parenting is a true hero’s journey, a love affair of epic proportions, one that lasts a lifetime and even longer. You are the author of this story, writing and starring in it daily,” writes Dr Robin Berman in her parenting book -a favourite of mine- titled “Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later”. I truly and whole-heartedly believe that. There is no greater love than the love between a parent and a child. It certainly is the first and the most formative relationship which forms the bedrock for well-adjusted adults.

Psychologists call this tender and loving bond between a child and a parent ‘secure attachment’ and there are ton of studies indicating that secure attachment between a parent and a child is one of the most significant predictors of becoming emotionally healthy and well-adjusted adults.

What Constitutes a Secure Attachment?

Attachment is a relationship, where the child feels safe and protected, knowing that they could turn to their parent -secure base- when they need it. Many confuse attachment with attachment parenting, where parents are advised to hold and carry their baby at all times, breast feed them for prolonged periods of time and sleep together in order to form a secure attachment. That is not true. The quality of the attachment you build with your child does not depend on how they sleep, if they were breastfed or carried.

Being consistently sensitive and responsive to one’s child’s needs (not wishes) is the main recipe for secure attachment. When we are sensitive and responsive to our children’s needs, we teach them that the world is essentially a safe place and that their needs will be met. Generally, most parents are sensitive and responsive to their children’s emotional cues as we are wired to do so. Most of the time, this comes naturally to us and we do it without thinking about it.

Attachment is a dynamic process, it changes across all developmental stages. When our newborn cries and we go to their bed, pick them up and try to console them, they internalise the idea that they are loved and cared for - that the world is safe. In later years, our child falls down and cries, instead of saying “It’s nothing, go back and play”, we give them a hug, a plaster or sometimes both. In these very simple, quite ordinary moments we essentially show our children that we are sensitive and responsive to their needs. Later, our tween or teenager is upset about friendship issues, we sit down and listen to them quietly and emphatise with them (being sensitive to their experiences) and and ask them if they need our help or a suggestion to solve their problems (being responsive to their needs). When these experiences are repeated over time, we slowly build a secure attachment relationship with our children and our children internalise that “they are worthy of love.”

You may think, “The world is not a safe place. I do not want to raise a kid with naive ideas about how the world operates.” The feeling of safety that develops in our children’s mind is different to the literal sense of safety. When children feel that the world is safe, for them it means that they trust that there is someone who loves and cares for them and protects them from danger. This soothes their nervous system and allows the nervous system to do what it needs to do in early years of life which is heavy structuring. When the feeling of safety, being loved and cherished is internalised and embedded in their psyche, it helps develop a sense of trust in their own skills and abilities, a positive attitude towards life in general, and therefore develops resilience, which is essentially the ability to bounce back from mistakes and losses.

I believe it is important to state here that no parent can be sensitive and responsive to their children’s needs 24/7. There were, are and will be days/moments where we are too exhausted, too hungry, too upset, or too worried to give 100% of ourselves to them. Lucky for us, Donald Winnicott - a British pediatrician and psycholanalyst- stated that in a typical, healthy parent child relationship, being sensitive and responsive to children’s needs at least 30% of daily interactions is more than enough to form a secure attachment. So, like everything related to parenthood, perfection is not required here either.

Letting go of our dreams and expectations

“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.”

Carl Jung

One of the most important factors that goes into being a sensitive and responsive parent is to let go of our expectations about how our children should be or should turn out to be. Being curious about them, getting to know them deeply; accepting and loving them for who they are is very important. Jennifer Breheny Wallace calls this “having a PhD in your child”. Yes, we all love our children unconditionally and unreservedly, but do we see and accept them for who they are? Do our children know and feel that our love for them is unconditional? To be seen, known and adored for who we truly are is the highest form of love and the basis of self-esteem. When children know that they their parents love them as they are, they start to believe that they are worthy of love no matter what and this belief eventually leads to loving and respectful adult relationships.

We are human beings with hopes and dreams for ourselves as well as for our children. However, sometimes those dreams or expectations do not match the reality. We may hope that our child would become a scientist or mathematician whilst all they want to do and talk is art and history or viceversa… We may wish that our child is a social butterfly whilst they are a hermit crab. To give up on a particular dream or expectation can be tough, but is essential. When we give up on what it should be and start to listen, observe our children and be curious about them, amazing things will happen because when children feel that they are truly known, seen and cherished for who they are, they turn out to be resilient adults with strong sense of self and self esteem.

And, with that, they can achieve anything they want.

If you wish to read some further sources on this topic

A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, John Bowlby, 1988

Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-Free Parenting, Laura Markham, 2014

Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later, Robin Berman, 2014