Power To Parent

“We can’t parent a child whose heart we don’t have.”

Gordon Neufeld, PhD

Years ago, when my daughter was quite young, somehow, it became impossible for me to parent her. She did not listen to me, nor follow my suggestions or directions… Even, the basic act of getting ready in the morning for the school became impossible… So, I started to rely more and more on punishments, rewards, time-outs etc… However, none worked properly. I remember feeling not being able to parent her. Nothing was going through her… We all know the famous saying: “Parenting is the toughest job in the world.” However, deep down, I was thinking, it should not be this hard…

“It may be surprising to hear that parenting should be relatively easy. Getting our child to take our cues, follow our directions, or respect our values should not require strain, struggle or coercion, nor even the extra leverage of rewards. If pressure tactics are required something is amiss” writes Gordon Neufeld in his book “Hold on to Your Kids”. Certainly something was amiss in my relationship with my daughter and what I felt was actually correct. I indeed had lost my power to parent my daughter.

Parenting as a Relationship

I had forgotten the cardinal rule, one that many seem to forget about, that is parenting is first and foremost a relationship and not a set of skills that need to be learnt and applied… When we take on the gigantic task of caring for and raising a child, it comes with certain responsibilities. I think those responsibilities can sometimes be so daunting and imposing with our day to day busy lives that we start thinking that parenting is all about responsibilities that we have to perform.

Parenthood is a relationship, it is the most influencial, most formative relationship our children will ever have in their lives and the quality of that relationship, the strength of the bond we build with our children is what gives us the power to parent. It is the closeness and the strength of that bond is what makes our children more cooperative with our directions. “Parenting needs a context to be efficient” suggests Gordon Neufeld and adds “That context is our relationship”.

This bond is called attachment and all mammals are born with an attachment system that facilitates the ability and the need to attach themselves to a stronger and older figure as this enables the survival of the newborn. The attachment needs of the young evolve through time in its shape and form, but the need stays the same, until the young becomes a fully functioning, independent adult. So our children’s need to stay physically and emotionally close to us is the source of our power to parent them.

Children (both young children and teenagers) naturally want to be in our good books, and want to please us as they instinctively know that this would increase their likelihood of survival. Children who have a strong bond and close relationship with their parents, would not want to lose that closeness and do everything in their power to not jeopardize or create fracture in the relationship. Neufeld calls this as ‘attachment conscience’, “an internal alarm that warns the child against conduct that would trigger the parent’s disfavor”. Therefore, they tend to be more willing to cooperate, follow our instructions and rules, internalise our values and try to do the right thing even when we are not around. On the other hand, without a strong relationship and bond, parenting becomes harder as our children have no motivation to protect a non-existent close relationship, therefore they lose their instinct to be good for us.

Defiance Is Not A Behavioural Problem, It is A Relationship Problem

Whilst, I was reading books and sources about how to solve my parenting problem, I have read this sentence by Dr Markham: ‘Defiance is not a behaviour problem, it is a relationship problem’. Since, all those behaviour controlling techniques - rewards or time-out, etc - that I was using with my daughter at the time proved to be absolutely useless, I thought, her problem was not behavioural, but possibly a relationship problem.

Our children’s misbehaviours and mistakes stem from two possible reasons: maturity or relationship. Maturity is related to the skills present at our child at any given age. If I am expecting my two year old to wait (without throwing a tantrum) for a prolonged period of time at a shopping center for a toy that we promised to buy, that is an unrealistic expectation and my child’s ‘misbehaviour’ aka tantrum is a maturity issue. My child would not have the cognitive maturity to meet my high expectations and therefore I need to check my expectations. So, this is about their inability to meet my unfair parental expectations. We all make this mistake from time to time.

Mistakes, misbehaviours or defiance that stem from relationship issues are different. Our children are able to meet our expectations, but they are not willing to! Confusion about our expectations are not usually the issue. A 15 year old knows and is able to stop watching TV and come to the table when we announce that dinner is ready for the first time or the hundreadth time. Or a 13-year old knows well that he is not allowed to play computer games during week days, but he does it anyway. These misbehaviours are not related to maturity, therefore punishments or rewards will be of no use. These are issues related to whether they are willing to comply with our expectations or not. What makes them willing to comply with our expectations, follow our cues? Our relationship, the strength of our bond with them.

Looking At Our Relationship With Our Children Through A Different Lense

Relationship with our children is an attachment dance with three sets of moves: connection, separation and reconnection. When we are together, and we as parents are truly present in the moment, our connection strengthens through simple moments such as having a small chat after school with your teenager, a family dinner, or having a 15-minute play time with your toddler.

Separations are inevatible throughout the day, major ones being school, work, technology, playdates and other activities and sleep. These are routine breaks are a natural part of our daily lives and they do not erode our relationship as long as we continue this dance with reconnection. This can be simply spending some quality time with our child if the break is a longer one like school or work. This is called ‘collecting’ a child emotionally and not just physically, meaning spending time with them when we unite.

I remember, how challenging my daughter would become everyday after school pick up when she was younger. When I figured out that I need to collect her not only physically but also emotionally, and made sure that we had at least 15-20 minutes alone time with her, our afternoons became easier. By playing with her and having a quality time, I was reconnecting and strengthening our bond and then she would become more cooperative with my demands and our daily schedule.

Sometimes, breaks are simpler and shorter such as our child reading and being engrossed in a book or watching their favourite TV show. (We may not see these as separations, but they still are considered as separation). But it’s getting late and you need to put them to bed. Asking them to simply stop reading or watching TV won’t do. We surely cannot spend 15 minute quality time for every little separation to collect and reconnect with them. However, if the breaks are shorter and/or simpler, reconnection can be quick as well. Instead of calling our child to stop watching TV, we can simply try sitting next to them and asking what they are watching/reading. Showing interest and then telling them “I know you are enjoying the show and it is hard to stop watching but it is time to go bed” will make this process much easier. Why? Because, after the separation (watching TV) we collect our child emotionally by reconnecting (showing interets in what they are doing and acknowledging that stopping something we like is hard). We are being warm whilst holding the structure and the boundaries. That’s a healthy relationship and it is the context where parenting becomes easier and more enjoyable.

When children feel that connection regularly, they are willing to please us, be cooperative, henceforth more open to and accepting toward our parenting because they simply want to stay connected with us. Furthermore, if this becomes our standard operating procedure, our kids will continue to have attachment conscience even when we miss opportunities to reconnect with them occasionally. After all, nobody is perfect and we can’t recollect them properly after every single break.

If you carefully look at those children people deem to be ‘easy’, behind, you will invariably find a parent who is prioritising their relationship with their children and is putting their efforts -as best as they can- on the attachment dance, with or without knowing it.

When It’s Broken: Repair, Repair, Repair!

If I would choose a few words about parenting, one of them would be ‘repair’. No parent is perfect! We cannot give our 100% to our children at all times, nor that we should anyway… It is normal to lose patience, raise our voice, say things that we feel bad about later… These are normal parts of parenting and they are harmless if we do some repair work on it. Other times, we are simply very busy with life and we have missed our daily quality time with our children, or are too tired to collect them emotionally. When these instances are repeated, eventually it can lead to fractures in our relationship. When our children become defiant, it would be very useful to think about the attachment dance and check if you have been consistently connecting with your child lately. Most of the time defiance is due to lack of connection. So it is time for REPAIR!

And, sometimes, we lose it big time, we say harsh words because they did something wrong or simply we are having a bad day and do not have the bandwidth to stay calm and deal with it. That happens to the best of us… These also lead to fractures in our relationship and what we need to do again is to repair. At first, being the adult in the room, we need to apologize for losing our control or having said unkind things. In years to come, they will come and repair when things go wrong on their side too. Also, accepting our part and making repair show our children that we are not perfect and therefore, they do not need to be perfect either. Then, in the words of my daughter we have a “Do-Over”. Simply, we start from the begining and this time we keep our cool, we listen to them and try to solve the issue with warmth and limits. I don’t know how many times over the years my daughter and I asked each other “shall we have a do over?”

Separations and conflicts happen on a daily basis, therefore so does repair. Remember, there is no perfect parenting! If we consistently repair when we mess up, it leads to safety in children. Safety in knowing that no matter what they do, we love them and accept them unconditionally.

A Special Note for Neurodivergent Children

Some children can be difficult to connect… Babies who are colicky, children who are on the spectrum or kids and teenagers who are predisposed to anxiety and depression… Sometimes, life throws some serious challenges at us such as financial problems, divorce, losing a partner, long term health conditions… These make it challenging for us to connect with our children, but we cannot give up on them. We would need to be very observant of our children, to understand what works with them and be creative because even the most challenging child needs and wants to connect with their parents.

“The parent-child relationship is the primary influence on a child’s development.”

Gordon Neufeld, PhD

If you wish to read more on this topic:

“Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The secrets of Stress-Free Parenting”, (2012), Markham L., Vermillion, New York

“Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Their Peers”, (2019), Neufeld G., Mate G., Vermillion, New York

“The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired”, (2020), Siegel D., Payne-Bryson T., Scribe, London