Summer Holidays: Time to Promote Independence and Autonomy

Before entering the summer holidays, I thought I should talk about the importance of supporting independence and autonomy in our children, through chores and responsibilities, as summer is the perfect time to engage in this…First of all, whether you are a full-time working parent or a stay home parent, with schools ending, and longer days, we feel relaxed and have more time to teach chores and independence. This takes time, patience and giving up on our (my!) controlling tendencies…

Why Chores are Important?

First of all, we, parents, need to do less! When we do less, we rest more and be better parents! Second, there is a sacred feeling of being a valuable member of a family where the rest of the family depends on you, even if it is for the smallest chore. Being valued and depended on leads to ownership, autonomy and what Jennifer Breheny Wallace calls ‘mattering’. Mattering and being counted on are closely linked with mental health in all ages including very young kids. Ownership and autonomy builds self esteem in human beings.

How to Start?

Erna Furman, an American child psychologist and pyschotherapist, suggests that teaching children something, whether it is tying their shoes or cooking a meal, is a multi step process.

Step 1: Doing it for them

Step 2: Doing it with them

Step 3: Standing by to admire whilst they are giving it a go

Step 4: Letting them doing it independently

This 4-step process requires a lot of time and patience, therefore summer holidays is a good time to start as our daily schedules are more relaxed during summer. This process also requires us to lower our expectations on how some chores will be done. Yes, we will be teaching them how to do it, but in the end the aim is for them to do it independently. Once they achieve that state, the standard may not be like ours ,otherwise known as ‘perfect’, but we need to accept it.

‘This is Child Abuse’

When I told my 12 year old that from now on she is responsible for the laundry of her clothes and sports kit, ‘this is child abuse’ was her inital reaction, to which my answer was “I think we should do a bit of reading about what child abuse entails.” A little bit of push back is expected and normal. You need to be light, humorous and not engaging… A simple and matter of factly responses like “In our family everybody must contribute” or “I need you to set the table now, thank you” is more effective as it shuts down the possibility of negotiations.

Fair Does Not Mean Equal

Siblings usually complain how the other sibling is not doing as much as they do and how unfair that is. My daughter points out every single time that her father does not help her with setting the table. This is an opportunity to explain that fair isn’t always equal. Today, she has time to help with the chores and the next day another family member. Again, we should avoid getting into negotiations with our children by being firm but light.

You can find several lists on the web regarding appropriate chores for each age group. There are no definitive lists. Depending on your child’s age, ability, skills and your household you should decide what each child can contribute. You can use the below list as a reference or come up with your own list for your children…

Young Children (2-10 Years Of Age)

Putting away clean utensils

Water flowers

Helping older sibling setting the table

Sorting the laundry into whites and colors

Folding the clean laundry

Tidy their bedrooms

Empty the dishwasher

Helping a parent with the cooking

Put away groceries

Middle Schoolers (11-13 Years of Age)

Prepping simple meals

Taking the trash out

Washing the dishes

Loading and emptying the dishwasher

Doing the laundry

Doing grocery shopping

Teenagers/High Schoolers (14+ Years of Age)

Iron clothes

Make more elaborate meals

Help clean the kitchen/bathroom

Prepping their own box lunches

Taking care of family pets

Washing the car

Cleaning out the refrigerator

Teaching and letting our children do chores at home is very important for their self-esteem and long term happiness and I think that we all need a little help from our kids with chores and responsibilities.

I will not be writing until next academic year, however, I will be busy working on next year’s newsletters in addition to teaching my daughter how to do chores.