Teaching Values and Moral Integrity
- Zeynep Okur Guner, PhD
- Sep 2
- 5 min read
Cambridge dictionary defines values as ‘the beliefs people have, especially about what is right and wrong and what is most important in life, that control their behaviour’. Core values can vary from authenticity to achievement, humour, to religion, leadership to wisdom. We all lead our lives based on our personal core values, as they create an inner roadmap for our behaviours. However, many of us may not necessarily be conscious about values that dictate our behaviours. When we are conscious about our own values, we live in a more intentional way, with more integrity as our actions become more in line with our values.
Values can be generally classified as extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic values are mostly based on materialistic goals, focus more on other people’s perceptions and opinions about us and may center around achievement. They mostly rely on gaining rewards, accolades and praise from external sources. Examples of extrinsic values may include image, popularity, reputation, wealth and status. When pursued, they create a short-lived buzz due to the continuous dependence of external sources’ approvals. Whereas intrinsic values center mostly around on personal development and forming meaningful relationships. Intrinsic values provide inherent satisfaction, when they are pursued. Examples may include loyalty, kindness, honesty, growth and fairness.
The main difference between extrinsic and intrinsic values is the motivation behind the behaviour. For example, if our child is studying hard for an upcoming exam so they can have A+, their motivation comes from an extrinsic value (scores), whilst if they study because they want to learn that subject, their motivation is intrinsic (curiosity, learning).
Values and Mental Health
Based on what we know from decades of research, general well-being and happiness are influenced by personal values. Prioritising intrinsic values and goals over extrinsic ones is strongly correlated with better well-being and mental health. A research conduted by Lee and Kawachi (2019) demonstrated that holding intrinsic values as a priority is strongly associated with happiness, whilst holding extrinsic values such as economic success or popularity is associated with less happiness.
Specifically, prioritising extrinsic values are highly correlated with more depression, higher anxiety, eating disorders, loneliness, lower self-esteem and lower work and educational motivation. This is mostly because extrinsic values create self-esteem that does not come within oneself, but depends on external sources approval. Furthermore, prioritising extrinsic values may cause us comparing ourselves with other people, which is detrimental to our well-being. Whereas, prioritising intrinsic values is associated with higher life satisfaction, more positive emotions, better personal relationships, higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression/ anxiety and finally, better work and academic performance.
There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to values. There is nothing wrong with wanting and aiming financial security, wealth or success, even though they are considered extrinsic values. The problem comes not from the nature of the values, but the way value systems work. Tim Kasser, a psychologist and emeritus professor at Knox College, suggests that values operate like a zero-sum game. The more importance we put on extrinsic values and set our goals accordingly; the less room we have for intrinsic values. Therefore, I believe, it is important to be aware of how values operate, their impact on our and our children’s well-being and try to come up with a balance between these two types of values.
Why should we teach values to our children?
Values, especially family values, makes parenting slightly easier as they act like a road map for us as well as for our children. It is difficult to attend to every misbehaviour or aspect of our children’s daily lives, as the landscape is ever shifting… However, when we establish a few main values -golden rules- our children as well as us parents have guidelines about how to act, react or behave in certain situations.
Without established values, we all become more susceptible to media and outsider influences and even with ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ behaviour. When your child pleads for a pair shoes that costs way too expensive to your liking -because everybody in their school wears them- you can always explain that paying so much money on a pair of shoes is not in line with your family values and there is nothing wrong with other families who are OK with it. This is your value, that’s theirs!
Having the right brand of trainers, or the sweatshirt has always been an important and age-appropriate part of tweens and teenagers’ lives (I still remember myself trying to convince my mother to buy me a coat from a certain brand simply because everybody in my class was wearing it), but today’s social media amplifies everything. Even academics may no longer be mainly about curiosity, intellectual advancement or learning new subjects but mostly about scores and grades. Our children’s academic lives have become highly pressurised due to school and college rankings and ever decreasing highly selective university acceptance rates. Today’s children are bombarded with extrinsic goals and they live and breathe extrinsic values. Therefore, I strongly believe that our job as parents is to prioritise intrinsic values at home to create balance.
How can we teach values at home?
According to Dr Aliza Pressman, if there is one parenting question to be asked, that is “what do we value as a family?” How do you and your kids like to be remembered? These questions needs a long and careful soul searching and looking inwards. No more than three or four values to be chosen, with more focus on intrinsic values, especially, if you are (like me) aware of the presence of extrinsic values in your children’ lives outside of home. For our home, it has been kindness, honesty and hardwork, for you it could be anything…
First, you need to talk about, model, live and breathe these values… For me, it is repeating these values over and over again, each morning, on the way to school. After so many years of repeating, our daughter must be bored of hearing them. Nonetheless, she continues to hear them every morning. For you, it could be a topic at dinner table - “What act of kindness did you do today?”, or last words before the lights go out and they go to sleep…
Then, when you catch your child act in line with your values, praise them (moderately), tell them how proud you are. It is important to catch and praise the right act. If you praise getting A+ from an exam where your value is hard work, it will confuse your child. Check your words of reinforcement and make sure you are supporting the right thing.
Parker, Spence and Hayes argue that young people are in persistent pressure to prioritise extrinsic values that are delivered by cutting-edge media and shiny advertisements. Therefore, it may not come as a surprise that our children may strongly embrace these values. They also indicate that open criticism of our children’s values may become counter-productive as they would feel they are under attack and they can hang on to these values even more. Instead of criticising, it would be better to prioritise intrinsic values at home and try to push gently for stronger focus on intrinsic ones. Remember, values are like a seesaw! More focus on intrinsic values leads to the weakening of extrinsic ones. Finally, mistakes are inevitable. Talk through what went wrong, talk to them about your own mistakes, normalise it and move on by telling your child that you are confident they will make it right the next time.
If you wish to read further resources on this topic:
The High Price of Materialism, Kasser T., 2003, Bradford Book
Thrivers, Borba M., 2021, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York
The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans, Pressman A., 2024, Headline Home
Kasser T., “Materialistic Values and Goals”, Annual Reviews, 2016:67, 489-514
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