The Art of Listening to Your Child

”If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” C.M. Wallace

Listening to our children, when they talk about things, big and small, is a skill that I cannot stress enough. When I talk about listening, though, I am not talking about ‘turn taking’. You know, when we listen to the other person we are simply waiting for them to finish their talking so we can share our well-earned pearls of wisdom. To listen to our children is beyond hearing their words. It’s not about offering solutions to or fixing their problems either. And it is definitely not about lecturing them! It is simply being fully present and understanding not only beyond their words but more often than not their gestures and the subtle changes in their voices.

With our fast paced lives, never ending responsibilities and chores, this proves to be something that more difficult than we usually imagine. How many of us are able to listen to our children carefully while we are busy with dinner prep after a long day at work? Sometimes, it becomes even more difficult when the subject matter at hand is our three-year old’s complaining about how their most precious teddy’s clothing has a small black dot on it.

Why is it so important?

Most importantly, if we listen to our children carefully when they are willing to share even the smallest stuff, we are showing them that their words matter to us and that they’re worthy of listening. That actually helps building confidence: ‘mummy/daddy thinks what I say is important!’

Second, listening carefully and then providing a bit of empathy for their predicament is a useful tool for the process of healing! How many times, have we sat with our children while they are crying over a friendship issue or else and we try to offer solutions to them with no success? They are still inconsolable… or worse, older children say, “you do not understand me and my problems” and they shut down!

It is ironic, however, that all we need to do is to listen carefully to our child, young and old, and offer a summary of what has happened to them with a few words of empathy… You would be surprised how quickly they would feel better even though their problem still has not gone away. Why?

Talking about emotions - especially difficult ones like sadness, anger or jealousy - and finding words for each of these feelings eases the suffering. Dr Siegel and Dr Payne-Bryson call this ‘name it to tame it.’ So, sometimes, by just carefully listening to our child and let them talk about why they are upset, or even cry, we can actually help them feel better. This applies to a three year old who is mourning the loss of a beloved teddy and to a fifteen-year old who is mourning the loss of a friendship.

It works beautifully, especially if, after we carefully listened to our child, we show them that we understand why they are are so frustrated and provide a few words of empathy, like ‘oooo that must be difficult’ or ‘no wonder you are sad’. This is called ‘mirroring’ in therapy. In most cases the healing therapeutic relationship involves listening, naming and empathising as being seen/heard and understood diffuses big emotions and provide relief from them.

Dr Lisa Damour describes the job of the listener, aka the parent, in a conversation as being a newspaper editor. “To really listen, imagine that you are a newspaper editor and that your teenager is one of your reporters, reading you a draft of a newspaper article about an aggravating teacher, or a classmate she is worried about, or some other troubling news of the day. Here is your task: As soon as your reporter comes to the end of the article, you have to craft its headline. In other words, you need to distill a long and detailed story down to its compelling essence. This takes real effort, but it is worth a try”.

When we are too tired or busy to listen carefully to come up with a headline, we may simply say “I really want to listen to you, but this is not the time. Shall we talk about this after dinner?” This way, we still show them we care about what they say. Sometimes, though, even this is not possible. Then, just listen to them as carefully as possible and throw them a default answer such as “That sucks!” This way, at least we can show them that we empathise with their predicament. This may not sound not ideal, but neither life nor we are perfect.

Some parents say they cannot get to their older children with their suggestions as they seem not receptive. That is quite common with children older than 10 years of age. In this case, it is a good idea to ask our child what they need from us at that moment. A simple “What do you need from me? Would you like me to come up with suggestions? Or do you simply want to vent about it?” Depending on their answer we can choose what to do. This has certainly worked well with my daughter.

The Thoughest Part of Parenting: To Be Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable with Our Child’s Discomfort

This whole strategy of listening to our children carefully and empathizing with them instead of trying to solve their problems sounds easier said than done as it involves us to sit quietly with our children while they go through some serious emotional pain. When we have to sit with our kids while they are crying their hearts out, it may be useful to remind ourselves that crying releases oxytocin (love hormone) and endorphins. These hormones are chemicals that ease physical and emotional pain and help improve their mood and well-being.

Every parent knows that this is the hardest thing to do. Unfortunately, it is one of the most important skills in parenting. It does not mean we should be heartless and callous to our child’s suffering. In fact, it is the opposite as we should be empathizing with their feelings. However, to be able to stay calm and collected and to listen to them carefully shows them that we are not panicked by what is going on in their lives. When they see us being calm, their nervous system (through mirror cells) will pick up the cues coming from us and signals that whatever they are going through can be painful but it is part of life and nothing to be panicked about.

Furthermore, emotional discomfort, especially when one has a supportive adult near by, promotes personal growth. Our children need to go through and accept their powerlessness when they are not allowed to watch more TV, or to have the newest gadget that all their friends have; being excluded from a friendship group, or rejection from their preferred college. All these painful experiences promote emotional resilience and growth. Our job as parents is to be as supportive and understanding as we can be whilst providing them with a calm presence. With repeated experiences of such, they will develop strong emotional resilience and will be ready to thrive in life. This, however, is not something I am always good at. It takes a lot of conscious effort to stay calm and collected when I see my child in pain. And sometimes, I make mistakes! Instead of staying calm and emphatizing with her, I react, or even overreact and jump into solutions and suggestions!

Mistakes happen and when they do, it is very important for us to go back to our child and simply apologize for over/reacting and ask for a start over. I simply go back and tell her “I did not handle the situation well and I need a do-over.” I ask her to tell me her story again, I try to stay calm and collected and listen to her. Luckily, children are forgiving so more often than not. We get second chances.

“Having a parent that listens creates a child who believes he or she has a voice that matters in this world.” Rachel Macy Stafford

If you wish to read further on this topic:

Damour, L., (2023), The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, Random House, NY

Siegel, D., Payne Bryson T., (2012), The Whole-Brain Child, Random House, NY