When Your Child Lies To You...

“There is only one reason a child lies to its parents: the conditions for it to feel safe have not been created.”

Dr Shefali Tsabary

Many, if not most children lie… It can be a one time thing, or frequent, or simply by omission but most children lie at some point in their lives. Does this mean, we should accept it as normal and do nothing? Absolutely not. What to do then?

Children start lying around the age of two or three, and at this stage it is more like wishful thinking. “Did you brush your teeth?”, “Yes, I did”, they say as they continue to play with building blocks. Our children want to please us, but also want to continue doing what they are busy with. For young children, if they say that something did (not) happen, it did (not) happen and it is OK.

Theory of Mind

Sometime around age four to five, a developmental jump -a cognitive shift- takes place and wishful thinking takes a different turn. Before, children’s cognitive development dictates that the mind of the child and the mind of other people is the same. There is no perspective taking in young children. If a three year old puts their toy underneath a pillow, they would think that you know the toy is underneath the pillow even though you were not even in the room when they put it there. They know it, therefore everybody knows it.

Around age four to five, children develop the understanding of the fact that the mental states of other people are different from their own. Therefore, the child starts to understand that if the other person did not see what they did, that person would not be able to know what happened to their toy. The exact age in which this developmental jump occurs differ from child to child and it is called ‘Theory of Mind’. This would eventually lead to the understanding of the fact that they can lie or hide truth and the other person may not notice it.

Lying and Punishment

This is why, most children lie at some point in their lives but children who are punished for their mistakes and misbehaviours tend to lie more to their parents to avoid punishment. Punishment is rarely - if not never- a good idea but if we punish a child especially for lying, we would only be teaching them to be better liers. Rest assured, next time they lie, they will be more careful to cover up their story. Therefore, punishing a child for it would be a mistake. Instead of punishment, turning this incident into a learning experience would be a much better way to handle it.

How? By staying calm and having an open discussion about this incident. Starting from a curious point of view is always a good idea. Asking about the incident in a calm, kind, non-judgemental and curious way will help them feel safe enough to open up to you. If we start from a judgemental point of view, they will probably not open up to us because they won’t feel safe enough to do so. On the other hand, listening curiously and open-mindedly would actually signal them that they can turn to us when they make wrong decisions in life and trust that we would stay calm and provide much needed guidance. This will come handy in future when children make serious mistakes.

Once we have listened to their story, it would be better to recount what we heard to make sure that we understood the details -how, when, where and the most important WHY. Afterwards, we may empathise with our child’s predicament, we merely point out that we understand how they felt at that moment. This does not mean we agree with their choice, which was to lie. When we show our child compassion and empathy, they feel understood and build a deep connection to us. Therefore, their nervous system is soothed, so they let go off their defences and become ready to listen to us.

Now, we can briefly talk about honesty as a value that we deeply cherish, and why it is so important to us. I believe it is important to note that we should be impeccable with our words at all times… If we prioritise honesty in our own behaviours and do not lie or cheat even for small things like convenient parking slots, it becomes easier and more convincing to talk about honesty as an important virtue. Keep this part of the discussion short, as our child already knows the mistake they made. They already know that lying is not good. So no need to repeat the same things, and dilute the message we convey. Be brief and direct! Telling them that a lie brings more lies, as they need to tell more to cover up the first one, can also be useful.

We can also say that we are disappointed in their behaviour. This is a world apart from saying “I am disappointed in you” which inflicts shame on our child. Shame is a toxic feeling that erodes children’s self-confidence and self-worth and becomes internalised self-hatred. Whereas, being disappointed in a behaviour signals the child that the decision they took in this instance was a mistake and they will always have chances to make the right decisions in the future. So make sure you separate the deed from the doer. Plus, children hate to disappoint their parents, especially when they feel strong connection to them and by staying calm, curious and empathetic we have just built connection with our child. Therefore, telling our child that we are disappointed in their behaviour, calmly and kindly, would only make them try to do better next time.

At this point, as Dr Dan Siegel and Dr Tina Payne-Bryson suggest we should “involve our child in the discipline” as they need to correct their behaviour. Instead of lecturing or giving a punishment for the deed, throwing the ball to their court and asking them what they can do to correct their mistake would also help them own up their mistake and face the natural consequences. There is no better resiliency exercise than that. Furthermore, when children play active roles in their discipline moments, they feel respected and they are usually more willing to cooperate and come up with solutions. We can tell them that they can think about it and get back to us, say, in the evening before going to bed and that we are happy to help them with suggestions, if need be.

Sometimes, parents are worried that if they let their children to play in active role in their discipline moments, children may come up with suggestions that do not fit the misbehaviour. It is paramount to remember that you are the parent! You are the leader who gets to make the final decision. You always have the right to say “No, your solution does not work for me.” You can always ask your child to think further, or nudge them towards the right direction.

When all is done and your child did face the consequences and did correct their behaviour, it is important that we tell them that we are proud of the way they handled their mistake. All children- young and old- innately want to make their parents proud… We should use this as a reinforcement to instill in our children the values we deem important and honesty surely is one of them. This is a much more effective method of discipline, not to mention a more peaceful one.

If you would like to read further resources on this topic;

No Drama Discipline , 2014, Payne Bryson T., Siegel D., Scribe Publications, New York

Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-Free Parenting , 2014, Markham L., Vermilion, New York

The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans, 2024, Pressman A., Headline Pub, London